Talking with Bryan.

Today was Brandon's birthday. He turned twenty-six. I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He asked if I was still working for Pullman fire. I told him I was. He said that he is with Cashmere Fire Department as a volunteer firefighter/EMT. I thought that was so cool to hear. We chatted fire department stuff for about an hour and twenty minutes. He has been doing it for a year. He said he lives really close to the fire department so he makes a lot of calls. He said he really likes what he is doing. He enjoys helping people. He wants to do it as a career now. I just wish we could have served in the Pullman Fire Department while he was here. It was nice to have a good conversation with him.

After talking to Brandon, I went to the fire station. I am switching shifts because of the things I have been talking about. I am going to switch to A shift where Bryan is. The problems that exist between him and I are also documented. I have gone to Bryan a while back. I asked him was the problem was that he had with me. He at that time claimed there was nothing.

This time I did not ask if there was a problem. I told him that I know a problem exists, and I wanted to know what it is so I could do what I can to avoid making the problem worse. He told me that it is nothing recent. It is stuff from a long time ago. He said some of the stuff I did a long time ago made him uncomfortable around me and that has obviously carried over to today since there is still fall out from it.

He said that when he learned some new things about me that the old things were that much more pronounced. I responded back to him, asking if by the new things he was talking about the fact that I am gay. He said yes. I told him that I was sorry for making him feel uncomfortable. That would never have been my intention to do so. If anything I am sure I was joking around with him. I doubt that made him feel any better.

I told him that when I meet someone I feel like we are instantly friends, and that I feel like I can act in my normal way. But many times that can cause problems since they don't know me well, and don't understand when I am joking around and just having fun. He said he is the opposite of that. It takes a while for someone to become friends with him. I agreed with him saying I am more that way these days. You meet someone in class or something like that, you are not friends, you are more like acquaintances. Good acquaintances, but acquaintances all the same. Then as time goes on, when a two way street is developed. When people choose to do things outside of class or that one place you met, then it starts to turn into a friendship. If you are lucky people will become good friends. I told him I have a few really good friends. Some good friends, and a ton of acquaintances. I said that I do not have a best friend. I said that a best friend by definition can only be one person. I use to have a best friend. He name was Peter. We are no longer friends.

Bryan and I talked for about an hour and a half or a little more. I also talked about teh more recent problem where I have been treating him like an ass. I would not talk to him. I would not do anything out of my way for him. But as I always said I would never let anything to happen to him on the fire ground. He said he did notice me treating him poorly. Doing things on purpose so he would see that I am upset.

As we talked I get the feeling due to what he said that he is uncomfortable with gays in general. There is nothing I can do to try to make him comfortable while I am around. He will have to live with the fact a sissy faggot is in the same rooms as he is. I don't think any of the past is fixed. He said "forgive but not forget." Which is interesting. I told him I would leave the ball in his court as to how much he wants to do off the fire ground. He said that he would work fine with me on the fire ground. I get the feeling that while off the fire ground he could give a rats ass.

I left there knowing I would not be an ass to him. But I still don't think I am going to go out of my way to be the friendly guy. I told him if he wants to open dialog while off the fire ground, I will respond positively.