What makes you straight

I did my work today like normal. I got a good jump on what I needed to get done today. I went to a meeting for an hour and a half where I thought I was going to learn something. Turns out I lost an hour and a half of my life I will never get back.

I left work about four pm to come home. I was meeting with some guys trying to sell insurance. I did not get any. They were both names Travis. One of the guys was twenty-four. I would say he was near ten-six-seven status. He had a wedding ring on. I wish that I could be married.

Alex messaged me today. I think he is mad at me. I was also talking to one other person online. He asked me if I am unhappy being gay, why don't I stop being gay. I responded with the following:

What is the difference between a gay man and a straight man?
Think about your friends who are guys and your friends who are girls. I mean you closest friends. Whether guy or girl you have a relationship with them. When a friend is really close to you, when you have a special relationship with your friend you could say on some levels you have a love for your friend. That is not to say that because you have a love for your friend who is a guy, that does not make you gay. The love you have for a girl does not mean she is your "girlfriend". So being gay is not simply loving someone of the same sex.

I can look at a girl and I can see beauty. I can look at a guy and I can see beauty. You as a straight man, can look at a man and see that he is a good looking guy. Just because you can see the beauty or the handsomeness in a guy does not make you gay. Because I can see the beauty in a girl does not make me straight.

As a gay man I have had sex with a girl. Who knows maybe at some point in your life you have done some stuff with a friend of yours who is a guy. Having sex with a girl does not make me straight. Having "experimented" with a guy does not make you gay. So simply having sex does not define ones sexual orientation.

If the person who you love also gives you a spark - that feeling deep inside that is indescribable - that a love that goes beyond simple friendship. If that feeling is what you have for a girl, then you could say you are straight. If you get that spark from a guy it would be fair to say you are gay. As a gay man you show love in many ways. You show it with your actions towards the man you love. You show your love with sex.

That is how I will define the difference between being gay and being straight. The question is what makes it so that deep-down spark happens. What is it that is in your brain or spirit that creates this spark? Do you choose to have this spark?

I did not want to allow this spark to happen with guys. It is just the way it is. If I could make that spark happen with a women I would. In a heartbeat I would. When you see a girl and you feel that spark, do you choose to feel it? Do you make yourself tinkle and want to know more about that person? I would guess that it is a feeling that "just happens." I get the same feeling. It just happens that when it happens to me it is when a guy is involved.

I look at other guys and I am jealous that I will not be normal. I am jealous that I will not be married and have kids. That is not to say that I can't marry a girl.

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but that is why I can't just change into being a straight guy.

After I was done with the insurance people I went to my brothers house and he showed me the things I needed to know for watching his house over then next week. Then I went home and watched two more episodes of Deadwood. The fourth episode Wild Bill was killed. I was upset he was killed so early. I can't wait to see what will happen in the next episode.