Is there a Choice in the Matter?

Well, Sunday morning came as quickly as all the others come. Which seems to be quicker and quicker all the time. So I got up and took Amber outside to go potty and play with the ball. She was having a lot of fun. I left her to roam the yard. I got a shovel to clean up the yard from her "deposits". I am glad it was not all soft and mushy. That is gross. So, I am sure it is good I put it in here.

Russell was running a little bit late. He did not get to my mom's house around eleven o'clock a.m. So we were already under the gun. I got to Issaquah and stopped at Krispe Kream. We got some donuts and we were off to the beautiful Palouse.

Russell asked me to drive. I fulfilled his request. I drove. I think we got to Colfax fast since I drive faster than Russell. I was doing anywhere from ten to thirty over the speed limit depending on where I was. We made okay time back to Colfax. Along the way we stopped at Burger King in Othello to get a late lunch.

Russell and I got into a conversation about homosexuality. That is an interesting topic, as I have seen myself change positions and move from here to there. I have not changed one hundred percent, but I have made some movement. This conversation started with a question of whether or not someone is born gay, if a pill is created that if taken the person would no longer be gay and no longer be attracted to people of the same sex. This opened a long conversation which went beyond being about homosexuality and headed to the realm of personality and life in general.

But back to the conversation. I posed this question to Russell. He said that if such a pill existed, and then paused and thought about it for a while and then said, if he was in that position he would not take such a pill. He said that someone who is gay is identified and their life experiences that have happened due in part to their sexuality. The people he meets, the activities he participates in, the feelings he has, the relationships with others, and the list can go on. All have something to do, either directly or indirectly to his sexuality. It is not like you can take sexuality away and have the exact same person. I then spoke up and said it would be like a computer. Being gay is an intrinsic part of the computer and its workings. Should you take away being gay, that computer no longer has the essence of being a computer. On the other hand, to think that someone can take a pill and change just one part of his life would be dreaming. A computer with a printer attached was the second part of my analogy. If that is what being gay was like, a peripheral to life, then it would be no problem to just unplug the printer and the computer would remain intact. But that is not the case. Being gay is internal, not some outside object easily disassembled from the rest of the person.

As a gay person grows up, he usually goes through many stages in life. He will not know what it means to be gay, but will have some feelings he can not understand. Then he will start to learn about what a homosexual is and usually how homo's are not normal, how they are hated, and how they are perverse. The budding homosexual will realize that he is a homosexual but he will start to have issues. He will realize that he can not let other know since he will be outcast and possible abused physically and or mentally. He then begins a life in the closet. He will know that he is attracted to other boy's but he will hide that. He will pretend to be not-gay by dating girls, and he will "check them out" like the other boy's will. During this process he will learn more about being gay, and learn that it is not quite like it was presented to him. He will see that even though he has heard some many things about being gay, they are not all correct. He might use the internet these days to read about other gay guys. He will spent time reading other gay guys' coming out stories and learn from their positive and negative experiences. During this whole time he has sheltered himself from things that would make him happy, from things that to the gay guy, feel natural, even though he is told it is unnatural.

Soon, he is willing to "come out" to himself. Meaning he will come to terms with his homosexuality. He finally stopped trying to be straight. He finally decides that he is ready for the next stage in his life. This process usually includes a weigh being lifted off his back. He feels a little more free and he feels a little better about life. He may not be ready to let others know, but he has finally decided that he is not lying to himself anymore. He might start to reach out to the gay community and start to make gay friends. He will start to participate in life choices that are more compatible with his feelings. What makes him "come out" to others is hard to say. Maybe he decides to not lie if someone were to ask him, and maybe someone asks him. He might decide that his friendship is hollow in some ways, and feels that it will be strengthened by his admission of his sexuality. He might feel like unless he tells other people he is actually lying to people. There could be other things. As you tell people and you are open about it, you feel more free to express yourself fully.

Not everything is all good with being gay. Some gay people are not happy being gay. The question one must ask is how come they are not happy. Is it because society is said that the lifestyle is wrong? Maybe the homosexual feels cheated by not having a wife and kids like "normal" people do. It could be the fact that the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. There are probably many other reason's why they are unhappy. Could be that the gay guys' parents threw him out of the house. Could be that the family turns their collective back on the gay man. There is a reason why a lot of gay teen commit suicide. They don't see past their parents disapproval. They don't see past the bad that comes. They don't see past their next birthday. A gun or some pills and all their problems are a thing of the past. Too often and too sad.

If you talk to a gay person, sometimes you will hear him say "that was before I was gay" or "that was when I was straight". That is not to say he chose to turn gay. It is sort of thumbing their nose that their undercover life, also known as closeted life. It is a time when they pretended to be straight. It is a time in their life when they felt all the things they do today, but at that time it was being repressed from their outward life.

So, this does not say whether you are born gay or if you choose to be gay. Because even if it is a choice I would argue that you can have the same feelings and path in life. We chatted about being born gay or choosing to be gay. I relayed what my friend Matt claims. He said the choice is there, but is not like a choice that someone makes when he is deciding what to have for lunch. It is a choice in the matter that subconsciously, somewhere along your life, your brain made the decision to be attracted to the same sex. So, the choice comes in with the fact that with some work you can chance to not-gay. But why would the brain make this choice? His argument, simply put, is that someone "chooses" to be gay due to early life physical or sexual abuse. This is not to say everyone who is abused is gay, but that is a catalyst for someone to "choose" to be gay. And it is while dealing with this abuse issues that one "chooses" not to be gay anymore.

That is a theory. I am not saying it is wrong, since I can not prove it, but then again, who can say it is correct. One other thought is that a gay man is born gay. But what would make you "born" gay? Well, if it is a trait, that would explain it. It could be a recessive trait that if you get it from both parents, then it will display itself as homosexuality. But if that is true, then it would follow that all identical twins where one twin is gay, would mean the other twin is gay. I don't believe this to be the case. So, then if it is not a genetic trait that is passed on, is it possible a genetic defect? This might better explain why someone is born gay. Many problems that man has from birth are from genetic defects. This could be on that list.

Maybe there is a third dimension to the whole argument. Maybe you have to be born with a gay trait gene. Maybe you also have to be abused. The abuse is what could turn on the gene's trait. Your guess is as good as mine. But the bottom line is that anyone who conclusively says what cause someone to be gay is a dumbass. He is not on any good scientific nor logical ground.

So, getting back to the point from earlier, my friend says that by taking the pill he will destroy what he has become to this day. His life experiences which has defined him as an adult would be thrown out. He acknowledges he could be better off, or he could be worse off. But he is content, nay happy, with his situation in life and does not want to change.

So, I asked myself, to understand that kind of point of view, if I could make it so my dad did not die of cancer back in 1981, would I? That would drastically change my life. I would have known who my dad is. I might have focused my life on being a carpenter, electrician, and or sheet metal worker. The kinds of things he did, and I always wanted to do. Maybe my first vehicle would not have been the "Bumblebee", a 1980 Toyota 4x4. I had a CB in that truck where I met many, many people and my life's direction has been changed because of who I met through the CB. I had a step-dad who I definitely see some of him in me and my attitude and my likes and dislikes. So many things in my life would be different. Would I make the change? I feel it is selfish to say, but I have a hard time saying Yes. I am pretty content in my life, and I am afraid to give up what I have. But at the same time I could be better off, much better off if my dad was here. I am sad that I did not know him. But some of my up bringing was not normal due to not having a dad and that has made me what I am today. I like who I am, so I would hate to change it.

Just as my upbringing was not normal, neither if a gay man's upbringing. So, if you are a gay man, would you want to take the pill?

That is the quick and dirty of the kind of stuff we were talking about. One day I will spend some time editing it for grammar errors, but I was more concerned with getting the words written at this time.

I got into Colfax pretty late, about one and one half hours late. I went into work and help the officer who was staying over to cover me write up an infraction report on a couple of inmates who had broken the rules.