Something helped.

I was feeling a little better today. I think that Ryan saying he loved me has helped that. I am still freeked out by my mom knowing what she does. I am still upset about IM softball. It seems funny about that to most people I am sure, but to me softball is my number one priority in my life. Sad, hey? Well that is the case.

I don't know when things will be totally back to normal for me though. My life may get another major change. If I get this job at WSU that I applied for. Now I am feeling the same way that I did before I left there. I don't really want to leave here. It is not that I like it here. I think the money and the potential for much more money! I need that money. I am swimming in problems. I seems that they may really want me at WSU. Their pay may cause a five thousand dollar pay cut for me. I don't know if I can handle that. I really don't know what way I will go if I get the offer. I love getting into work when I get in. I don't like the whole rigid be here at eight am. Being a programmer is like being a college student in many ways. You have a job to do, a deadline. Then it is up to you to get it done. Whether you work at eight in the morning or ten in the morning like I currently do.

I got my recommendation letters turned in. I am not going to get dropped from the running for this job.

I went home after I got off work. I have been working on a laptop I got. It shuts down randomly and then when it does that it loses its system time and date. I am not sure what is causing it yet. I did manager to get Windows XP, Visual Studio, and SQL Server on it. It has a DVD and a burner in it. That is nice for sure.

I spent the evening watching the Mariners game. Boone has having problems in the eighth inning. A throw to home hit a bat that was laying there and bounced far away from Wilson. This allowed two runs to score. Then he let a ball right between his legs under his glove. And then to top it off on a steal attempt he went to make the tag and the ball again went under his legs and glove into center field.

I read a couple comments left in a blog entry from a few days ago. Matt was one of those guys who I never really chatted with anymore. Our last few ones were filled with small talk and very brief in nature. As are the ones with Jephren and Kale. Richard and I have actually had better talks more recently than we did early on. The same with Steve. Early on it seemed hard to talk to those guys but now they have opened up a lot more to me and I like talking to them.

This may be selfish on my part but I sort of felt that Richard doesn't want anything more than just some chatting. Early on I talked to him about playing some ping pong. Sort of jokingly but being serious too. He said that would be cool. But now it seems like when I talked to him about it I mentioned I would be in town. He made mention that maybe he would see me in the CUB and we could play then. I doubt I will hang out in the CUB for hours on end waiting for Richard to walk through the doors.

Other than having posted on G-Shack and being a Coug I don't really think that we have too much in common, at least not enough to sustain any sort of anything past being chat buddies.

I have a habit of pushing people away from me when I feel like I do right now. It tends to ruin budding friendships. I just hate talking to people online and it is only small talk. Most of the people on my IM list before the G-Shack days are mainly people I communicate with when there is something specific to talk about. All of them were friends first and then they were put on my IM list. I don't have the same connection with those on G-Shack.

The G-Shack people have been people I would just talk to about anything -- but they were nothing more than chat buddies. It was fun and we talked about a lot of stuff and it was a real conversation. I am just tired of the ones now where there is so much lag time. Maybe they have several other conversations going at once, but that to me is a problem. I don't like to talk to people where I am a sidelight to other things. I feel like I am bothering them. I don't want to be a pest nor someone who is bothersome.

I tend to only get into one conversation at a time. I want to focus on the person I am talking to and talk to them. It seems like some people just IM to chat to a lot of people. It is not fulfilling to have twenty conversations full of small talk. Once again maybe I am being selfish, but that is the way I feel. It is that I am not looking to have a lot of chat buddies.