Realizations

I chatting online for most of the evening. I was talking to several people but two that were interesting were Kale and Richard.

I spoke with Kale about issues close to him. He suffers from people spreading hurtful rumors. I don't think what people are saying is true and it is a bad situation for him. Lately things have been getting better for him and people are starting realize the rumors are not true.

We also talked about something that bothers him. He likes to chat with people. Several of the people he talks to he is close with and wants to chat with all the time. Many times he is the one who has to start up the conversations. He wishes that people would start them up with him from time to time.

He wrote something on the Shack about the fact that people seem to have been distant to him lately and how he doesn't like that. I told Kale that I get frustrated because I want to be someone who can be there for him. Someone who he holds in high regard like the other people. I think that certain things hinder that kind of bond forming between us however.

A little while later Richard messaged me and said he thought I was using an alternative identity on the Shack. I told him that I would be honest if he told me who he thought it was. He said RockClimba, and that was not correct. That spawned a ninety minute conversation. We talked about things that had happened in the past and talked about some issues where I think we see things differently.

The first part of the conversation is as listed below:
[11/17/2004 - 23:03] Use the Force, Bin: I am sorry by the way.
[11/17/2004 - 23:03] Use the Force, Bin: It seems like everytime things go well between us I do something stupid.
[11/17/2004 - 23:03] Use the Force, Bin: well, I do things that I always do, but they are things that you don't like.
[11/17/2004 - 23:03] Use the Force, Bin: I feel bad about hat.
[11/17/2004 - 23:03] Use the Force, Bin: that*
[11/17/2004 - 23:04] my perrogative: you gotta take it in stride
[11/17/2004 - 23:05] my perrogative: I think I allow a decent amount a leway
[11/17/2004 - 23:05] Use the Force, Bin: It is frustrating to me.
[11/17/2004 - 23:05] my perrogative: with yourself? or what?
[11/17/2004 - 23:06] Use the Force, Bin: well I try to be someone you would like to talk to, but it seems clear when I am myself it is too much for you.
[11/17/2004 - 23:06] Use the Force, Bin: Being a Coug I feel like we have a connection...
[11/17/2004 - 23:06] Use the Force, Bin: but it seems clear we are cut from two different cloths
[11/17/2004 - 23:07] my perrogative: it's only when you cross that homosexual boundry where it's just not cool anymore. The hitting on, I couldn't take with another girl, so you're no different.
[11/17/2004 - 23:08] Use the Force, Bin: maybe I don't understand what is hitting on someone but I never viewed what I did as hitting on someone... I know you're not gay and I would not try to seduce you. I never set out to do that... I am very open about my feelings what I like and don't like with my friends.

The issue was Richard felt I was hitting on him one day a while back. I was telling him the same things I tell my other friends. But the fact that he felt I was hitting on him made me feel uncomfortable. So of like not being able to look him in the eye should we ever meet.

[11/17/2004 - 23:23] my perrogative: I couldn't picture myself commenting on my guy friend's looks in any "non-ripping him apart for looking like a dumbass" kind of way. If that's too straight, then that's me
[11/17/2004 - 23:24] Use the Force, Bin: I don't know what to say.
[11/17/2004 - 23:25] Use the Force, Bin: I guess I am too gay.
[11/17/2004 - 23:25] my perrogative: I'm not homophobic, and I think I've made that clear, though in no way would I act or adapt to, dare I say, typical gay verbs

[11/17/2004 - 23:27] Use the Force, Bin: Does commenting on someone's looks constitute hitting on that person?
[11/17/2004 - 23:27] my perrogative: possibly
[11/17/2004 - 23:28] my perrogative: if I was to pick a girl up, I'd definitely comment on their looks
[11/17/2004 - 23:29] Use the Force, Bin: of course you would talk about her looks, but I think you would also have to have the desire to pick up the person.
[11/17/2004 - 23:30] Use the Force, Bin: But it would not follow that talking about someone's looks would mean that you are trying to pick that person up.

We spent some time talking about what is a friend and how what most people consider a friend is most of the time an acquaintance. I told him some fringe details about how I promised myself I would not treat someone who I just met a friend because that person does not really know me and the way I am can be abrasive towards that person. I told him I only have one best friend because the term means only one. He said he does not like the term. I told him I did have one. He knew it was Ryan. He asked me what Ryan is like. I told him about Ryan.

He was then telling me about something where he and a friend of his had some jokes back and forth using a shirtless Justin Timberlake poster. I was thinking as he was saying it that I wouldn't be able to ever do that kind of thing with him now because I think he would view it differently coming from a gay man than a straight man.

The final part of the conversation was about meeting up. A long time ago I wanted to play him some ping pong or have a beer or something. But because of things that have happened in our conversation leads me to believe we could never meet.

[11/18/2004 - 00:03] my perrogative: when the hell are we gonna meet anyway?
[11/18/2004 - 00:04] Use the Force, Bin: never?
[11/18/2004 - 00:25] Use the Force, Bin: I need to head out. I don't know about meeting up. I think maybe leaving this as an online chat connection is as far as I can go. I would feel very self conscious around you in person. But have a good night and I hope your package is well received.
[11/18/2004 - 00:25] my perrogative: ok, I'll talk with you later

I really don't know what to make of things. I think it is clear the lack of knowledge of each other lead to the issues that developed between Richard and I. Maybe I am just not the kind of person who Richard would hang out with.

I watched some TV. SouthPark was on of course. I recorded that and watched CSI:NY.